*waves nervously* Hello.
So, as many of you probably didn’t notice because it’s not like I was a fixture of the blogging community anyway, I’ve been absent for several months. There’s no excuse other than that life got busy and I simply lost my motivation for bookish-related things. Sure, I kept reading, but I didn’t really keep up with the bookstagramming or the reviewing of books. I’ve let all that slide for a long time, and I was almost ready to give it up.
But then something happened.
It’s not something you would expect, and my motivation for returning to the book world may seem strange and possibly morbid. But I’m about to get super serious with you guys and dig way down deep, because this isn’t something that’s easy to talk about.
To my husband and I’s delight, we found out that I was pregnant about 3-4 weeks ago and I’ve been in this bubble of bliss ever since. We were impatient and told all our friends and family the good news and posted the cutest announcement. Even though it was early on, we were making plans and arrangements for our new Baby Guerra to arrive.
And then last week, at my very first OB appointment no less, I started bleeding heavily. I was taken to have an ultrasound immediately, where we found that our baby hadn’t been developing like it should and that it was too small to be 8 weeks along like it was supposed to be. We’re pretty sure that I miscarried later that night.
We were devastated of course, and it’s been my own personal Hell, having to tell people what happened. I know that I shouldn’t, but I feel so embarrassed for the display that I made, only to have to now announce that we won’t be parents after all.
So this week has been full of repression and denying, trying to avoid and ignore and not think about what happened. Which is obviously super unhealthy but if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s torturing myself.
These events have made me pause and evaluate my life now. I’m at a job that’s making me want to bang my head repeatedly against a wall, I’m overweight, I’m unhealthy, and I don’t have time to do the things that make me happy anymore. That’s why I’ve decided to revive the blog, the bookstagram, all of it, and focus on my health, both physical and mental.
I’m not in a state to start trying to get pregnant again, but I can work on myself so that when we are ready, I am a healthy vessel for my future child. I am grateful for so many things in my life: a God who encourages me to find the good in all circumstances, a husband who is my rock when I am weak, family and friends that support me, and the solace of good books written by good people.
I’m not going to allow this keep me down. Instead, I will use this to help me grow and hopefully, I’ll come out the other end stronger than before.